dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Randomize
