Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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