I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
