she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
