Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
