Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
