What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think my fart just growled at me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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