She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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