I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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