Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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