Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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