You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
