If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
