I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you made out with another girl for some wings
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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