i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
