just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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