So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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