I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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