got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
