Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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