I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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