no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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