anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
