i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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