I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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