I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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