for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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