im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
