i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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