I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
