ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
