what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
