There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
and she was petting her beer can
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
