Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
