Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
