It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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