Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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