my sisters under your porch take her home
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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