I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
