i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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