I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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