theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
