My room smells like vodka and shame
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
