I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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