Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
