He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
