He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
