he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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