I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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