I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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