After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
