So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
