I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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