dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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