so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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